Take This Memo by Tara Campbell

From: Director of Market Research, Irrational Fears Division
To: Executive Director, Enough Already with the Guns, USA (EAWG USA)

I’m writing to follow up on our discussion about whether any lessons can be learned from California’s speedy abolition of open carry after the Black Panthers’ armed protest at the state Capitol building in 1966. I understand your reticence about the tactic I suggested, but when repeated mass murder doesn’t prove to be an effective incentive for change, perhaps we need to speak in a different language to be heard.

Here are my suggestions for new civic associations that might “trigger” additional action on gun control in the United States:

  • African-American Bump Stock Acquisition Fund
    Motto: A shooter is a terrible thing to slow down.
  • National Latino Ammo Exchange
    Motto: Together we are better armed. ¡Unidos!
  • Muslim Skeet-Shooters of America
    Motto: Train for your future, shoot for the sky!
  • Arms for Immigrants, USA
    Motto: Open hearts, open arms, open carry
  • Gun Enthusiasts of the African Diaspora
    Motto: I am my ancestors’ most heavily-armed dreams
  • First-Generation Pistol Patriots
    Motto: We are the new face of the firing range

We didn’t discuss the following angle at our meeting, but given recent events, I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting one more:

  • Armed Actress Guild of America
    Motto: Keep your hands where we can see them and no one will get hurt

I look forward to discussing further steps at your earliest convenience.

Until then,
Stay safe

 


Tara Campbell is a Washington, D.C.-based writer and an assistant fiction editor at Barrelhouse. Prior publication credits include SmokeLong Quarterly, Litbreak, Masters Review, b(OINK), Queen Mob’s Teahouse, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and Writers Resist. Her novel, TreeVolution, was released in 2016, and her collection, Circe’s Bicycle, with be published in fall 2017. Visit Tara’s website at www.taracampbell.com.

Image via artparodies.com.

The No-Knock State

By Jemshed Khan

                       Upon hearing that Barrett Brown was jailed (again)

SWAT teams rumble streets.
Men in black smash down doors.

No one bothered to knock
65,000 times last year:

Hinges ripped from the jamb
with a battering ram or breach grenade.

My friend murmurs,
We live in a Police State,

but I still write and say and read
as I will, as we wait.

He points and whispers,
Someone’s listening at the door.

I hiss back, Surely. Enough. Already.
Though I turn and look to be sure.

 


Jemshed Khan lives and works in the Kansas City area. Born overseas of immigrant parents, he has experienced American culture both as an outsider and as a participant. He relishes the opportunity that the American dream and society have offered him, but also is alarmed by the rising authoritarian encroachment on privacy and freedom.

Photo credit: Steven Roy via a Creative Commons license.

Letter to Santa

By Anne Anthony

 

Dear Santa,

You disappointed me. I was (mostly) good last year. Maybe I cursed, but I was frustrated and baffled. Somehow my family (?), my friends (?), my neighbors (?) voted in a president who—and I’ve got to be honest here—terrifies me.

Did you even read my letter?? I quoted Pope Francis, hoping his words would make a difference.

Anyone who is too attached to material things or the mirror … should avoid going into politics.”

I didn’t ask for material things; I just wanted a redo. A mulligan, my husband would say.

And you ignored completely my backup ask: peace on earth goodwill to men! Still waiting for some sign of that one. You make it hard to believe.

Guess I’ll light a candle next Sunday.

Confused,
Anne

 


Anne Anthony has been published in the North Carolina Literary Review, Brilliant Flash Fiction, Dead Mule School for Southern Literature, Poetry South and elsewhere. She holds a Masters in Professional Writing from Carnegie Mellon University. She lives and writes full-time in North Carolina. Visit Anne’s website at anneanthony.weebly.com.

Image: Trump hair gift wrap by American Vinyl.

Across the Hard-Packed Sand

By Holly Schofield

 

Kelly, the dispatcher, sent the call my way, but Nick caught it too, so my squad car arrived at the beach parking lot a few seconds after his. We hadn’t worked together much, but I’d sussed him out long ago. He wasn’t one of the good ones—those were rare—but at least he mostly pretended I was one of the team.

Unless money was at stake, of course. At five hundred dollars a pair, the toe bounty could be a lucrative second income for us cops. By the time I’d slammed my car door, he was racing ahead down the bank, skidding in the loose oyster-shell scree. “Watch your step, Allie,” he called back, his voice holding glee along with old-fashioned gentlemanly concern.

“Alaa,” I corrected automatically, wearily. He could have pronounced it right if he cared. But if he cared about stuff like that then I wouldn’t be running full tilt through the salt grass behind him, shovel in one fist.

The sun struggled through rumpled chrome-colored clouds and winter still clung to the cold foam of the surf. Kelly had described the radar-tracked location pretty well, and it was easy to spot the dull blue of the shattered spacepod, the size of a bar fridge, way down the gray beach near a cluster of seaweed-streaked rocks.

I began to jog once I hit the hardpack. One foot after the other over this seemingly endless stretch of northern Washington coastline. Fleeing from Syria, sliding into America under the wire, becoming a naturalized citizen, qualifying for state trooper, my personal foot race never seemed to end.

And then the Veldars had come.

And kept coming. And coming.

Would there ever be a time that I could just stop?

Nick whooped, thin and reedy over the booming Pacific. He’d reached the crash site and was bent over panting, hands on knees. I wasn’t even halfway. I slowed, my bad knee flickering with pain, and walked parallel to the line of unidentifiable sludge that decorated the high water mark. No hurry now. I’d lost. And so had the Veldar.

Sunburned cheeks flushed even redder by victory, Nick waited until I approached then pointed behind the largest rock. “Hah! ‘Bout time I nabbed one.”

The shivering alien, slightly larger than most, squatted in the rock’s shadow, its face-tendrils dangling limply below earflaps. Translucent down to lean gray bone, the alien resembled a large jellyfish that had swallowed a miniature Halloween skeleton.

I avoided its eyes and jabbed the shovel upright in the sandy muck. “You win, Nick.” One kick with my bad leg and I sent some bull kelp sailing into the water. I told myself it was a relief that this Veldar’s life was out of my hands. Yeah, a relief.

The alien raised a stick-like arm toward us and let it fall. Did it know what Nick was about to do?

Nick was walking around the collection of boulders one more time, being cop-thorough. “Yeah, just the one of ’em,” he reported and dusted off his pant cuffs. An all-around typical statie, albeit a bit more fastidious than most. His shirt was still neatly tucked despite his run and his fake sandalwood odor indicated extra-strength deodorant.

Huh. Maybe I could work with that.

“Have fun,” I said. “Last time I shot a jellyrat this big, the guts stained my uniform. Even dry cleaning didn’t get it out.” I stepped back, ostentatiously. “I’ll just let you get on with it.”

He laughed uneasily. “Hey, five hundred dollars covers a lot of dry cleaning. And, remember, you officially caught this case so you get the paperwork. You can’t leave until you do the location sketch. Don’t try to weasel out.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, all those extra forms. Last time, I forgot one for Fish and Wildlife and the captain gave me hell.”

He grunted in faint sympathy, fingering his holster flap but not opening it. The Veldar’s various cuts and scrapes had left a trail of yellow-tinged slime as it had dragged itself from the spacepod to the boulder.

I snorted, as if it smelled bad, and took another step back.

“I might have a plastic sheet in my trunk.” Nick stroked his thin brown mustache.

I heaved a huge sigh, hoping I wasn’t overdoing it. “Tell you what. You get the toes, and I’ll dispatch the jellyrat afterwards. And, I’ll bury it. But only if you do all the friggin’ paperwork for me.”

A jerk of his head. “What, cut ’em off while it’s alive? Seems kinda cruel.”

“Shift’s almost over. You can get to Sweeney’s in time for Happy Hour. And it’s not like the ‘rats feel any worse pain than a cockroach or something.” I held my face tight, lifted my black leather shoe and kicked the Veldar in one of its knees, managing to mostly strike the clear rigid joint covering. It must have seen my quick double-blink because it instantly deflated into the muck and moaned like a ghul. I shrugged. “And I’m in no hurry. I don’t go to mosque until sunset.”

Nick grinned. “Deal!” He drew out his bowie knife and grabbed each of the Veldar’s heels in turn, slicing off the bulbous pinkie toes. The Veldar screwed up its many-wrinkled face and flicked its nictitating membranes but only moaned once more. My stomach knotted and I tasted bile but I held it in.

Nick stuffed the glistening toes in a sandwich baggie. “Next jellyrat gets called in, we can do this deal again, if you want, Allie.”

“Sure.” I began to dig industriously, my shovel sending gray grit, seaweed, and bits of charred wood flying.

He hastily jumped back. “Okay, then, I’m outta here.”

Between shovelfuls, I watched him trot away. I’d have to time the gunshot carefully.

The Veldar lay, knees drawn up, elbows jutting, clutching its bowling-ball belly—resembling the malnourished toddlers I’d lived with back in the Turkish camps. Drying gel clung to the two stumps on either side of its narrow feet. Tired, yellow eyes stared endlessly at nothing.

A few minutes went by. Nick should be almost to the parking lot and out of line-of-sight. I drew my pistol. The Veldar watched me carefully.

I aimed straight out into the ocean and squeezed the trigger.

The retort made the Veldar scoot back against the rock. I blinked twice at it, in reassurance. “Hang in there, little buddy.”

Communication via blinks weren’t enough for the next stage. I drew out my black-market English-Veldar phrase book and flipped through it. War. Run. Hide. Enemy. We humans might not understand the reasons behind other alien races invading the Veldars’ home planet, or how the Veldars could keep stealing motherships full of thousands of these spacepods, but we—well, some of us anyway—understood the fallout. In the tent camp in Turkey, Baba had sat me on his lap and massaged my shrapnel-scarred calf muscle as he pointed out words in his little green Arabic-English phrase book. Soldier. Injury. Lifeboat.

That memory was all I had left of my father’s own journey—he’d died of a heart attack on our second day in America. I thrust away the thought as I finally found the page full of greetings. Now to see which Veldar language of several dozen.

“Tern ka?”

A blank look. So it wasn’t Veldar III. I sighed. This could take hours and I didn’t have that kind of time. Maybe I should just drag it to the squad car without its consent. Like border guards had grabbed seven-year-old me. Damn it all, anyway! I kicked some more kelp and ran a finger down the page. “Tennin bran?”

One earflap twitched.

Familiar, perhaps, but not its native tongue. I flipped a few pages to related dialects. “Vronah kro?”

The Veldar’s cheeks creased in two directions. “Hrran, vo narhh, hrran!” Its opaque organ sacs vibrated in excitement.

Ah, that was it, then. I made a mental note to tell Kelly to tag this one as Veldar XII in the underground database. “Hnnnah kravv voolah” I pronounced carefully. Worry no more.

“Vrahhah?” it croaked out. By now, I knew that word by heart in several languages. Safety?

“Hrran,” I said with as much conviction as I could manage. Yes. It was sort of true. Kelly and I, and a few other folks scattered across the Veldars’ vast northwestern drop zone, tried awfully hard to make things safer. Sometimes, we succeeded.

The Veldar relaxed back against the rock, letting its tendrils go slack with relief.

The Band-Aids I fished out of my bra helped with the Veldar’s oozing abdominal cuts but they refused to stick to the gunked-up sand on its toes. Finally, I gave up and wrapped its feet in evidence bags. “There. Feel better?” I’d tucked away the phrase book so tone of voice—and a quick double blink—would have to do.

It stretched out three bulbous fingers, forming a pyramid. Another gesture I’d learned in the last few years.

“You’re welcome,” I replied. “Us refugees gotta stick together.” I half-smiled, feeling better than I had all day. Hey, maybe I could keep on doing this.

A few more minutes of shoveling and I’d mounded a plausible gravesite. Tonight, I’d drive to Everett in my truck with its special compartment and drop the Veldar off at a safe house. From there, it would begin yet another journey. “Here’s two English words for you.” I pointed down the coast. “Underground railroad.”

“Vrahhah.”

“Yup.” A cold, damp wind had sprung up and the clouds threatened rain. The folding shovel fit under one arm and I lifted my burden awkwardly with the other, bracing my bad leg against the base of the rock. The Veldar breathed its odor of burnt raspberries into my uniform collar and wrapped warm slick arms around my neck. I’d have to change shirts once I got to the car but I had a fresh one ready. I was used to that.

I hunched a bit to protect the Veldar from the wind, sucked in a deep breath, and began the long hike to the parking lot.

 


Holly Schofield‘s stories have appeared in Analog, Lightspeed, Escape Pod, and many other publications throughout the world. You can find her at www.hollyschofield.wordpress.com.

Photo credit: Ingrid Taylar via a Creative Commons liense.

Abecedarian diatribe: abolish him!

By Gabriel Mianulli

 

All the problems in the picture are flooding the world
Before we have a chance to construct boats for rescue
Can’t we have more time to sniff out bullshit politics?
Damage has been done, the hurricanes are screaming.
Elsewhere, we build bombs that taste like backward progress.
Forgotten events didn’t sound their alarms in time.
Gander back, at the mistakes we repeat in tired cycles
Hopped up on loud media frenzies, and bad leadership
Individualism is hard to spot in the storm’s eye
Jobs are abrasive, but we should all have them
Kissing the rings of kings, we taste metal and blood—
Long-encrusted crud that stinks of corruption
Macaques fling dung from pedestals, inedible
Noxiously uncreditable. Awful! Foul! Terrible!
Obnoxious assaults on patriotic principles
Penetrated sacred institutions, reeking like swine
Quack! Fraudulent fool, phony puppet! We see the hand!
Revolution is on its way! Any day now … humming.
Scantily clad, it’s just your type, we all needed it.
Tulip-scented, cleaning smudges from your greasy hands
Ubiquitously we shout: Get the fuck out!
Varmint! Squeak your obscenities elsewhere.
We have work to do, that doesn’t include you or your tart
Xanthippe wasn’t xenophobic, and she looked better
Yet somehow here we are; not where we need to be: quiet.
Zaniness is the dull story of our lives these days.

 


Gabriel Mianulli is a nontraditional Associate of Fine Arts in Creative Writing student living in Minnesota. He daydreams a lot. He writes Fiction, Poetry and Prose, but has been somewhat slow to submit his work. He likes finding quiet spaces to read, exploring the wilderness, and embracing the everyday adventures involved with living in the 21st century. He is currently working on his portfolio between classes and taking it easy. He’d give you a hug if you asked for it.

Image via Imgflip.

Untitled

By Tara Williams

 

 

Artist’s note: My concept for this painting is the feeling of being disconnected from America, like a neighbor you catch glimpses of, but still don’t know. I wanted it to reflect the moment one finally realizes the appalling things that occur in this nation on a daily basis. While creating this painting, I also realized that it could take on other interpretations. Some viewers have expressed their own to me on social media.

 


Tara Williams is an illustrator and works primarily with gouache and watercolor. Her background is in graphic design. She is known for her vivid colors and rich attention to traditional techniques and fine detail. Follow her work on Tumblr and on Instagram.

Obamaclipse

By Rony Nair
 

1.    Overview

Lopsided dreams coalesce into hazy sunsets,

pretending to droll out Nintendo games played by our new trumped up incantation. The new war boy. Elected of course. by a war room of nominees with shotguns in their bed.

Hawkish foreign policy bytes, words of war, beating up the beaten, hoarse cries from musty rooftops—declaiming glory. feigning peace.

A solar eclipse of armament sales. If there’s no Middle East, North Korea’s our Jerusalem.

2.    Prelude

Gas and fuel create their own viewfinder,

eclipses redefine our planes,

we reminisce over Hiroshima and Vietnam and lines crossed in Syria.

we did nothing for the maimed.

Rehearse another beautiful speech for a week later. Weave a wand about history and legacy and myth.

a tin drum sounded better than your inaction. your rhetoric so beautiful that everyman lost your original point,

foreign secretary fly miles were made to order

jet fuel. ambassadors in death, Libyan draught holes. Furtive arrests.

Gulf springs and coattails. Russia. Bust.

sound and fury …

I’ll talk about books instead.

Solar eclipses where the sun ran and hid.

You were lounging, after your dinner speech bid!

Seduction we fell for once, with Camelot. Doled out over misty wordplay and Agent Orange and Apocalypse Now.

Memory. I see you now.                                                                              Speak. Somehow!

1.1      Overview 2

Presidential donkey days, torrential rains

Sit atop lies and palaver—brain dead Charleston Trucks run amok over segregation benefaction.

Hell, Nazis are our new heroes. Says our new mime.

An old freed slave now joins his masters. declaiming speech upon wasted speech. quoting rhyme.

That Solar eclipses smile

2.1            Memory 2

the years we lost, the years we lost.

To inertial speech and rhyme.

farewell you said, we need valets in bed,

a white plane for a dime.

“it doesn’t behoove me to be verbose” finally you said—

before you boarded your Presidential

To ski with Richard Branson.

3.    The End

On eclipse day, we’ll play Golf for fun.

Every week becomes a round. Every round becomes a tweet.

Our foreign policy explained.

140 beats.

 


Rony Nair has been a worshipper at the altar of prose and poetry for almost as long as he could think. They have been the shadows of his life. He is a poet, photographer and a part-time columnist. His professional photography has been exhibited and been featured in several literary journals. His poetry and writings have previously been featured by Chiron Review, Sonic Boom, The Indian Express, Mindless Muse, Yellow Chair Review, New Asian Writing (NAW), The Foliate Oak Magazine, Open Road Magazine, Tipton Review, and the Voices Project, among other publications. He cites V.S Naipaul, A.J Cronin, Patrick Hamilton, Alan Sillitoe, John Braine and Nevil Shute in addition to FS Fitzgerald as influences on his life; and Philip Larkin, Dom Moraes and Ted Hughes as his personal poetry idols. Larkin’s’ collected poems would be the one book he would like to die with. When the poems perish, as do the thoughts!

Photo credit: Terry Ballard via a Creative Commons license.

Just Like Picking Flowers

By Leslie McGrath

 

The almond wears a thin corduroy vest
that cannot protect the nut. The skin

of a ripe peach peels like a second
degree burn. The oyster

clenches even as
we break its nacreous wings
at the hinge to get at the meat.

When the mushroom man appeared with baskets
braceleted up to his elbow
that shudder morning

he said the girls knew what to do (the best
mushrooms grew on the north sides of trees)

It was just like picking flowers, he said
and girls were good at that. But the boys

he’d have to show.

He led the boys away

(on his knees he showed them)
(with their pants down he showed them)

and we girls filled our baskets     we knew what to do
though we did not know     we did not know.

This was how he separated us.


Leslie McGrath is the author of two full-length poetry collections Opulent Hunger, Opulent Rage (2009), and Out from the Pleiades (2014), and two chapbooks. McGrath’s third collection, Feminists Are Passing from Our Lives, will be published in April 2018 by The Word Works. Winner of the Pablo Neruda Prize for Poetry (2004), she has been awarded residencies at Hedgebrook and the Vermont Studio Center, as well as funding from the CT Commission on the Arts and the Beatrice Fox Auerbach Foundation. Her poems and interviews have been published widely, including in Agni, Poetry magazine, The Academy of American Poets, The Writer’s Chronicle, and The Yale Review. McGrath teaches creative writing at Central CT State University and is series editor of The Tenth Gate, a poetry imprint of The Word Works Press.

Photo credit: James Johnstone via a Creative Commons license.

The Culling Agent

By John Robilotta

 

I sit on my lanai
three flights above the water’s edge.
Shore life comes and goes.
Black and white ibis,
with their elongated beaks,
feed on the shoreline.
A great blue heron
suns on the far banks.
Anhingas and cormorants dry their wings
atop stone outcroppings.

There is much life about
the water this year,
particularly since the alligator
was removed by a concerned citizen.
Nature requires a culling agent
to keep its balance.
So too does mankind.
Whether it be war, plague or famine,
history teaches that catastrophic events
wean the weak and hungry.

Is such time upon us now?
A new president.
The doomsday clock
pushed toward midnight.
An unsteady hand
poised ever so close
to the codes of a nuclear arsenal.
Mankind, and other creatures,
a knee jerk away
from an ultimate culling.

 


John Robilotta lives in Sayville, NY, and winters in Ft. Myers, Fl, where he is a member of the Poetry Alliance, part of the Alliance for the Arts of Lee County. He has had poems featured in “The Broadsides” at the Alliance and An Evening of Poetry at the Visual Arts Center in Punta Gorda, Fl. John also has had numerous readings in Ft. Myers and Sayville.

Photo by Andy Hay of the”Famine Memorial” sculpture by Rowan Gillespie, via a Creative Commons license.

Wreak

By Rae Hoffman Jager

To David Wallace-Wells

 

While we slept, awoke, and made oatmeal,
went to work, walked the dog, and so on,
A crack in the ice shelf grew 11 mile—
raced the ocean where it dropped
with a titanic splash no one heard.

As we make messes, more icebergs calve far off—
tons of carbon released and along with it
prehistoric bacteria and bugs with tentacles
and tusks two feet long.

Even the Doomsday seed vault isn’t safe.
Just years after being built on Spitsbergen,
it flooded. Those small hearts were salvaged,
but that’s not the point—every day

we arm the planet with hotter,
dirtier breath to gag us with.

Is your ulcer heating up yet? —

Bangladesh won’t last the century. Soon,
Mecca will be pan-fried and Haj, a death march.

I guess there is some irony in that we are a lot like ice,
though there is less and less of it to be found: cold,
full of dangerous gas, and indignantly indentured.

Not all the prayers in the world will rehydrate
the kidneys of the El Salvadorian sugar cane fields,
the wilted grains of the west, and dried up river beds—

Just wait.

 

Author’s note: This is a found poem with words from David Wallace-Wells’ New York magazine article, “The Uninhabitable Earth,” that got the Internet defensive and feeling existential dread.


Rae Hoffman Jager has been in a variety of magazines from Arsenic Lobster to Ambit. In 2014, she won the Cincinnati Library Contest and in 2016 for her poem Tattoos, she read in Salina, Kansas as the New Voice Poet. Rae was named “Reader’s Pick” by Rivet Journal for her poem “Getting Closer to It,” and she joined their poetry staff shortly after. Her chapbook One Throne was released by Five Oaks Press this summer and is available on Amazon and the Five Oaks Press website. Rae’s work has been described as rambunctious, urgent, funny, and elegiac. Visit her website at www.raehoffmanjager.com.

Photo credit: NASA

How the first strangers met the coast guard

By Arturo Desimone

 

The maritime guards stopped the half-naked,
very tall animal-headed strangers
on their boats
Asked them “Show your papers, please”
“All we have
are these roses.
Yellow and red
given to us, a gift,
they were once showered upon us from the earth
shot from the first catapults, made to launch pure prayer,
to the clouds fecund,
seeds hit us in our faces, wounding our sleep
The throwers expected our thanks.
Flowers were carried to our mouths in our sleep
by the bearers, hoping
flowers of inedible gold would not descend back
that the shadows of the roots
would end in us.”

The guards brandished their weapons, lifting them from the hilt
guns shone like their aerodynamo-sunglasses,
shaven human heads dulled,
touch-screens of their phones bright, all iridescences worn
by opaqued minds of gendarmerie.

“It could be done without any weapon, muscle of titanium tin ton and iron,
muscle of love-borne waxwing-wind
without any of you enacting vapid designs
or tinkering, in defiance of us
and our plans for your present
and future omni-mud” the gods went on

”Remove the animal masks please” asked the police academy justice officers,
interrupting, calling in the higher-ranking managerial levels
of divisional security
and other devils that trample the waves and extolled winds.
They phoned them in
on their pink plastic hand-held radios.

the gods answered—But these are our faces.
Only angels tear off their own heads
Every morning, when it is cool they do it down by the lake

 


Arturo Desimone, Arubian-Argentinian writer and visual artist, was born in 1984 on the island of Aruba. At the age of 22, he emigrated to the Netherlands, then relocated to Argentina while working on a long fiction project about childhoods, diasporas, islands and religion. Desimone’s articles, poetry and fiction have previously appeared in CounterPunchCírculo de Poesía (Spanish) Acentos ReviewNew Orleans Review, and in the Latin American views section of OpenDemocracy. He writes a blog about Latin American poetry  for the Drunken Boat poetry review.

Photo credit: Helder Mira via a Creative Commons license.

Landowner

By Andrea Ciannavei

 

I am not financially literate.
My chaos with money leads me to behave desperately.
Always borrowing.
Always paying back.
A text message came through on Saturday.
A marshal had taken possession of the apartment I kept in New York.
I had been withholding rent. I’m broke.
Eviction proceedings went forward and no one told me.
I’m going to pay. I always do.
Making amends for past wrongs done to others is easier than the ones I am supposed to make to myself.
I am a debtor.
You don’t get more American than me.
The only asset I have is a jeep. No home. No condo. Credit cards maxed.
A renter.
The idea of owning a home makes my mind collapse in on itself.
A hysterical blindness arrives.
Homes and families are not pleasant things. They are heartache and secrets.
They are snake pits full of hissing monotonous gossip.
Choppy sentences. Nimble sidesteps.
The other problem with homes is they have doors.
Nothing good happens behind them when they are closed.

I do own one other thing – I almost forgot:
When I was 16, my mother told me she bought a plot for me at the St.
Francis Cemetery.
Her subconscious is very proactive.
It’s because of her husband. My father.
And her father before him.
Possibly my great-grandfather too but we will never know.
It’s because I was fat and embarrassing. Lane Bryant was the only place we could buy clothes to fit me in the 80s.
She once said to someone after a successful diet I had just completed, that my weight loss was the happiest time in her life.
I am, down to my organs, dropforged by generational sickness and inarticulate rage.
Musty porn magazines in trash bags in the corner of garages.
And now here comes:
Me too. Me too. Me too.
Even more than rapists, molesters, assaulters and the incestuous:
I hate the people who are shocked.
There is a special place in hell for these innocent liars.
What world have they been living in all this time?
And when do I get my one-way ticket there?
Everyone wants to have empathy now.
That’s very nice. But it’s like finally getting the back rent.
Now I know how my New York landlord feels.
All this empathy has finally arrived but it’s 32 years late –
I’ve already cleaned up most of the damage.
Now that everyone wants to listen, I don’t want to tell.
No one gets to hear the details of my incest, or sexual assault when I was 15.
Or being kicked out of an all-girls Catholic school because I made the mistake of telling a girl what happened to me which made her parents mad.
Or the casual harassments on NYC street corners.
Fat asses are low hanging fruit.
No one will hear those details.
None of your business, you know.
Besides, they’re rusted and tangled and thrown willy-nilly
in the little plot of land I own in the St. Francis Cemetery.
My mother wants me buried with the family
but this is all she’s getting:
My jagged metal scrap heap.
I made my friends promise:
Should I die before my parents,
I am to be cremated and tossed into the Pacific Ocean.
No ceremony. No speeches.
Just get rid of the evidence.

 


Andrea Ciannavei is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and playwright. TV: The Path (Hulu), American Odyssey (NBC Universal), Season 2 of Copper (BBC America), Seasons 1 – 3 of Borgia (Tom Fontana, Executive Producer, Atlantique Creations SASU). Plays include Pretty Chin Up produced at LAByrinth Theater Company (Artistic Directors: Philip Seymour Hoffman and John Ortiz) at The Public Theater. She also traveled on behalf of Pulitzer Prize winner Marsha Norman to Thailand, India, South Africa, Kenya, Congo, Rwanda, Burundi, Egypt, Haiti and Ecuador, to conduct interviews and research on human trafficking, sex slavery, gender violence and socio-political and economic issues that impact women. She is a graduate of NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts’ Dramatic Writing Program and Juilliard’s Lila Acheson Playwriting Fellowship 2008-2010. She is a proud member and occupies a seat on the council of WGAE. Visit her website at www.andreaciannavei.com.

Photo credit: Tim Green via a Creative Commons license.

How I Am Not Like Hillary Clinton

By Rachel Custer

 

The woods call to me, too, from across this road,
from away from here, from the opposite
of houses filled with tired people,

from the constant grasping of small hands
that might as well own me. Who wouldn’t be calmed
by a path through the grabbing branches? Still

I don’t go to the woods, trusting more
in the noisy hate of the known world than in
the cold, true silence of a mirror. Here, in the dark

undergrowth of the mob, I am still afraid, but I am
not alone. Here I can weigh a stone in my throwing hand.
Here I can know the stone won’t be thrown

at me. Fear keeps me from the woods into which
you wade, eyes forward, again and again,
because the woods is silent

as it circles me. Here, with the tired people, I can
say to myself I am only tired, that the stone
in my hand can’t be wrong

if we’re all holding stones.

 


Rachel Custer’s first full-length collection, The Temple She Became, is available from Five Oaks Press. Other work has previously been published or is forthcoming in Rattle, The American Journal of Poetry, B O D Y, [PANK], and DIALOGIST, among others. She is currently completing the Tupelo Press 30/30 Poetry Marathon fundraiser. Visit her website at www.rachelcuster.wordpress.com.

Photo credit: .waldec via a Creative Commons license.

The Grand Old Hanging Party

By James Butt

 

Nate supposed it’d been the circus owner Charlie Sparks’ fault, with his hanging of old Murderous Mary, but that’d been a hundred years ago and Nate couldn’t understand the wisdom of doing such things today.

“I like the card stock it’s printed on,” Elijah said. “Something you’d see for a carnival, or a fancy show.”

Nate snatched the Order from his nephew and tossed it in the trash. “Time to focus. I want to get this over with.” He’d only been given the past week to prep the old rail derrick, it being the only thing strong enough to hold the weight.

“Hey! I never seen a presidential decree before,” Elijah said, rooting in the garbage after it. “Why’d he choose Tennessee for the hangings?”

“The man’s got an affinity for the past, I’d say, or maybe he’s making a liddle point.”

All week, Nate had unloaded shipments coming in from every corner of the country. The military escorts would always ask, “Where you plan on storing them until the hanging?” Nate would simply nod toward the abandoned factory along the rail yard.

“Bet you pass out from all that stink, having them stuffed in there like that.”

“You get used to it, like you do everything,” he’d reply.

The last truck had been yesterday morning. For a job huge as it was, Nate had been surprised at how smooth things had gone. When he argued he wouldn’t have chain large enough for an elephant’s neck, it wasn’t a day later before a special delivery arrived with the anchor chain of the USS America. He was thankful Elijah stuck around to help, too, what with Paul getting canned due to his moral objections.

The crowd had begun to gather the night before, milling around outside the rail yard fence.

“Come help with these extra barriers. Crowd’s getting too big,” Nate told Elijah.

The media started to call supporters, Pro-hangers or Anti-phants, not really agreeing on which one better suited the occasion. Nate figured them all for crazy.

“I don’t get this part,” Elijah said, staring down at the decree.

“Which part is that?”

“‘It takes true daring and acuity to ensure the safety of all, and therefore, by decree, all elephants must be hanged until—.’ Seems odd, talking about elephants that way.”

“You can’t ever know what an elephant is apt to do, is all that means. They’re too unpredictable.”

“You poke at anything long enough and you never know what they’re apt to do. Take Keddy, at Jim Mitchell’s party last year. Everybody kicking and swatting at him, no wonder he went savage. Ain’t no one decreeing to hang him for it, though.”

“Keddy’s a dog. Ain’t nobody going to hang a damn dog. Especially a dog from around here.” Nate headed over to the derrick. “You gonna hold, old girl?”

The platform vibrated underfoot as the throng of onlookers pushed forward. It was nearing showtime, and nothing drew crowds quite like a hanging.

The first elephant was booked to be hanged at noon, and a chant had started to float out from the masses: “Let them hang! Let them hang!”

“Almost time, Elijah. Let’s start bringing them out before the crowd gets too wild. I’ll get the chain ready for the derrick.”

“What are we doing with them, when, you know … after?”

“Order was to burn them, so their ash can be taken out to sea. That way no more elephants would come here searching for their bones.”

“Jesus. I’m not sure I can stay for that, Uncle Nate.”

“Let them hang! Let them hang!”

“Never mind your whining. Just go get the first one before the crowd rushes us.”

Elijah hopped on the flatbed, while Nate climbed into the cab of the derrick.

“Let them hang! Let them hang!”

As Elijah pulled up under the crane with the first elephant, the crowd erupted. They screamed and jeered, hurling bottles, rocks, signs and garbage.

“Just stay in the cab, Elijah!”

“What?”

“Just stay there!” Nate moved quick to loop the chain around the elephant’s neck. The roar from the crowd shook the entire platform, but the elephant made no move to flee.

He started the winch. The slack slowly disappeared as all lines went taut. One elephantine foot lifted from the bed of the trailer, followed closely by the other.

“Hand her! Hang her!”

All feet soon cleared the truck.

Above the frenzied crowd rose the mournful wail of the suspended elephant. She sobbed deeply, her cries much too human. Nate stopped the winch.

Some in the crowd screamed in horror and covered their ears, shielding them from the sorrowful bawls.

Frozen, Nate left her hanging as she was. She continued to wail, the sound fraying against her chain. She swung in a circle, and the suspended weight proved too great a strain for the old derrick. The wooden frame buckled, and the arm holding the elephant cracked forward, tumbling down, narrowly missing Elijah below.

With her feet back on the ground, the elephant escaped her noose and rushed toward the factory. People fled in all directions, their screams overcome by the pounding of elephants slamming against the factory walls. The sheet metal bowed from the weight pressed against it, collapsing outward. The elephants ran into the streets.

Freed from his cab, Nate moved to help Elijah from the truck.

“So that’s it, then,” Elijah said. “Maybe they can just go be elephants, now.”

Nate watched the remaining herd slip out of sight. “I’d like to think so. But I just don’t believe we’ll let them.”

 


James Butt lives in Nova Scotia, spending his days attempting to reconcile the realities of the News world order within the framework of his past perceptions.

Photo credit: Fraser Mummery via a Creative Commons license.

The Freedom of Mothers Must Come

By Mbizo Chirasha

 

Pain scribbled signatures in these mothers’ buttocks,
War tied ropes of struggle around these mothers’ necks.
Songs of suffering are sung and unheard
in the congregations of townships and mountains
searching for freedoms’ seeds.
The seeds of these mothers’ wombs yearn for a freedom
too far away to be harvested, but not forgotten.

These mothers’ bodies speak of truth.
These mothers’ bodies carry scars.
These mothers’ dimples are resilient,
These mothers’ smiles and laughter offer hope.
These mothers’ thighs are graffitied with bullet bruises,
the valleys of their backs reek
with the blood of their sons,
sons long buried in barrels of violence
their lives stolen in their greenness.

These mothers’ hands trust the red clay soil,
even during cloudless seasons.
These mothers’ wombs give birth to rays of dawn.
These mothers scribble memories on prison walls with rainbows
These mothers’ shoulders carry the weight of journeys
and hope, which rises ripens dies
and rises again with each new day.

Mothers, how many times can you cough up sorrow?
For how many seasons can you sneeze with hunger?
You have eaten enough poverty
and licked the rough hand of a war long unforgotten
for too many dawns.

These mothers unburden propaganda from their shoulders
delete the baggage of political slogans from their breasts
abort the luggage of war from their wombs
These mothers turn to the hope of reaching pastures
where they can reap the fruits of freedom.

 


Mbizo Chirasha is an internationally acclaimed performance poet, writer, creative and literary projects specialist, and an advocate of Girl Child Voices and Literacy Development. He is the founder and projects curator of a multiple community, literary, and grassroots projects, including Girl Child Creativity Project, Girl Child Voices Fiesta, Urban Colleges Writers Prize, and Young Writers Caravan. He is widely published in journals, magazines, and anthologies around the world. He co-edited Silent Voices Tribute to Achebe Poetry Anthology, Nigeria, and the Breaking Silence Poetry anthology, Ghana. His poetry collections include Good Morning President, Diaspora Publishers, 2011; and United Kingdom and Whispering Woes of Ganges and Zambezi, Cyberwit Press, India, 2010. He was the Poet-in-Residence from 2001 to 2004 for the Iranian Embassy/UN Dialogue among Civilizations Project; Focal Poet for the United Nations Information Centre from 2001 to 2008; convener/event consultant for This Africa Poetry Night 2004 to 2006; official performance poet Zimbabwe International Travel Expo in 2007; Poet in Residence of the International Conference of African Culture and Development 2009; and official poet SADC Poetry Festival, Namibia 2009. In 2010, Chirasha was invited as an Official Poet in Residence of ISOLA Conference in Kenya. In 2003, Chirasha was a Special Young Literary Arts Delegate of Zimbabwe International Book Fair to the Goteborg International Book Fair in Sweden. He performed at Sida/African Pavilion, Nordic African Institute and Swedish Writers Union. In 2006, he was invited to be the only Poet /Artist in Residence at Atelier Art School in Alexandra Egypt. In 2009, he was a special participating delegate representing Zebra Publishing House at the UNESCO Photo-Novel Writing Project in Tanzania. Visit his website at mbizotheblackpoet.wordpress.com.

Photo credit: James Jordan via a Creative Commons license.

I Promise I’ll Pick Up

By Elisabeth Horan

I’ve been left out

They had a baby shower without me
I’m not pregnant right now but I can still be pretty fun sometimes

They’re constructing a pipeline,
Under rivers of bones and shale
Through the homes of the earthworms

Didn’t ask the worms if that was ok
Didn’t ask me either

They are dissecting my insurance – My taxes My womb, my WIC, my Medicaid, my Safety Net
I am a poor poet you see But I still need some food and my meds
You don’t want to see me without my meds, Senators
And support and maybe even a little respect

I paid taxes, I sure did –
For 20 years as a secretary
First in an otolaryngology clinic, then in an estate planning law firm
They could call me, I would talk

I would tell them:
He’s out at lunch right now, would you like his voice mail?
You can come in to sign your wills at 1:15 Yes Sir, they will be ready

Also: Have a heart
Also: Don’t touch my body

Invite me to be your friend, I promise I can be fun still
Even if I’m not pregnant and happy like you
Even if I’m not in power like you
I’m always here
On my couch
Ready to talk
Waiting for the phone to ring –
I’ll check the caller ID –
But if it’s you,
I promise I’ll pick up.


Elisabeth Horan is a poet mother student lover of kind people and animals, homesteading in Vermont with her tolerant partner and two young sons. She hopes the earth can withstand us and that humans may learn to be more kind to each other and to Mother Nature. She has recently been featured in Quail Bell Magazine and Dying Dahlia Review. She has work forthcoming at The Occulum, Alexander & Brook and at Switchgrass Review. Elisabeth is a 2018 MFA candidate at Lindenwood University and teaches at River Valley Community College in New Hampshire. Follow her @ehoranpoet.

Photo credit: Sarah Laval via a Creative Commons license.

A Drill Song from the Turkish Resistance

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Translation by Süleyman Soydemir and the Turkish Youth

From an anonymous variant of a military drill song, “Gündoğdu Marşı,” or “The Sunrise Anthem,” was a symbol of the anti-fascist Turkish resistance in the 1960s and 70s.

Today, it serves as a symbol of hope in the face of an increasingly authoritarian regime.

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Gündoğdu Marşı

Gün doğdu, hep uyandık
Siperlere dayandık
Bağımsızlık uğruna da
Al kanlara boyandık

Yolumuz devrim yolu
Gelin kardaşlar gelin
Yurdumuz da faşist dolmuş
Vurun kardaşlar vurun

Yurdumuz da faşist dolmuş
Vurun kardaşlar vurun!

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The Sunrise Anthem

At Sunrise, we all wake up
Trenches bracing our shoulders
For our freedom we stand against
Blood-red shrapnel showers

Our path leads to revolution
March on brothers and sisters
Against this fascist infestation
Strike on brothers and sisters

Against this fascist infestation
Strike on brothers and sisters!

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Listen to the sung form here, since, as Mr. Soydemir wrote, “Let’s face it, poetry is almost always more inspiring when sung aloud.”


Süleyman Soydemir is a believer in the supposedly antiquated chants of Liberty, Equality and Fraternity and a student of Anatolian Folk Traditions and Culture. His current—and perhaps ultimate—purpose in life is to tell the stories of resistance against tyrants, thieves and internet trolls.

Notes on the translation from Süleyman Soydemir:

The translated version is about 1.5 times the length of the original in terms of word count. However, this is largely irrelevant, since Turkish poetry uses syllables rather than words in determining length, and the translation has almost the same metric value as the original. Another reason for the length discrepancy is because of Turkish phonetics, which allows for almost all words to be split wherever you want and for most vowel lengths to be changed as needed. As I wanted to keep the translation more or less sing-able, words such as “trenches” have to be placed strategically. While these might be important considerations to make in metric and/or folk poetry, translators of free-meter poetry tend to value the emotional effectiveness of the end product and its ability to carry over the intended meaning.

I have translated some verses rather liberally, especially concerning the “shrapnel showers” and “fascist infestation.” This is because most of the verbs and some of the nouns used in the original do not carry the same power and colloquial meaning they have in Turkish, prompting me to strengthen the translation using different methods. It is the translator’s job to strike a balance between the two ends and decide on where to draw the lines. Finally, as the word “sibling” is seldom used colloquially in English, the Turkish equivalent, “kardaş,” was translated as “brothers and sisters.”

Photo credit: Marco Verch via a Creative Commons license.

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Midwest Activism: What I Learned from Marshawn McCarrel

By Jaime Gonzalez

 

I remember it in sequential order, in the same way, no matter how or when I think about it.

It was a month into the 2016 winter term at Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin, and we were on a five-minute break from my history class. Consistent with every other break, the first thing I did was look at my phone and scroll down my Facebook newsfeed. It was one of the first posts on my feed, a news link. I read it.

His name was Marshawn McCarrel, an Ohio activist who organized around police brutality and homelessness in his community. He was 23 years old.

The headlines read, “Black Lives Matter activist fatally shoots himself in front of Ohio Statehouse.” At around 3 p.m., Marshawn took his own life after tweeting, “My demons won today. I’m sorry.”

So many emotions and thoughts filled my mind, body and soul, the most evident, a selfish despair. I questioned my own activism and the toll it had taken on me. A couple of months before, near the end of fall term, students of color at Lawrence University submitted a list of demands to the college president. As the lead organizer, it was my job to ensure that students of color were included in the decision-making process, that the university heard their demands.

We received echoes of support, yet these were overpowered by the opposition, which quickly escalated into death threats against students of color. For many of us, what initially felt like a victory—creating positive change on campus—was quickly burned to the ground by blatant racism from in and outside of our campus community. We gathered in the Diversity Center because we felt a sincere attack on our safety, like bombs were going off all around us and we were left to defend ourselves. We—students and a handful of staff and faculty—felt betrayed. It took all we had to finish finals, grasping for winter break only days away. Then we’d be free.

This entire experience is one I have yet to fully reconcile. It was a violent time that broke me down physically, mentally, and spiritually. Everything happened so quickly, so unexpectedly. As the hate poured in, I felt love, empathy, and humanity leave my body and take my internal flame with it. I went home for that winter break with little sense of hope and with a fear of never regaining what was taken from me. It felt as if my demons were going to win, and I had no agency over my body.

Returning for winter term was difficult. I had to be both a full-time student and the intermediary between the students and the University. It was a position I had gladly taken on—without being fully aware of the associated risks. This was my senior year of college and I was the Chair of the Committee on Diversity Affairs, a sub-committee of our student body government. I was also serving full-time through an AmeriCorps term of service, providing programming assistance at a local nonprofit for ten hours a week, and babysitting on the side. The last thing on my mind was, ironically, classes. And now I had to see the faces of all the people on campus who had opposed us and pretend as though everything was okay.

I asked myself one question: Is it worth it?

When my history class was over, I went straight to my counselor to talk through what I had just read about Marshawn. Although I am not black and will never be able to fully understand his experience in this world, I found many connections between Marshawn and myself. We were both young men of color, in college, and had been organizing in the Midwest around issues we were passionate about. We understood we had a responsibility and a need to spread love to those around us.

I spent some time reading more about Marshawn, changing my cover photo in his honor, and praying the ancestors would care for him in the next life. I didn’t know Marshawn, but I took his story as a sign to reconsider my activism, the energy I was channeling, and the time I was devoting to the movement. I was ready to disconnect and dedicate myself to my studies so I could graduate and move on to bigger and better things.

It took me two weeks to find an answer to my question. I was grateful I had a community of support from other people of color on campus, a counselor checking in with me weekly, and fraternity brothers who offered their support. If it weren’t for them I’m not sure I would have made the decision to continue working with the President’s Committee on Diversity Affairs to create viable solutions to the concerns of students of color.

As odd as it sounds, it was Marshawn’s second tweet that put everything into perspective for me: “Let the record show that I pissed on the state house before I left.”

That statement—the last declaration of resistance, the refusal to submit to injustice—lit the match and rekindled my internal flame. Marshawn reminded me of something so easily forgotten: We are only human. As people of color, especially, our lives are constantly centered around violence and pain, but we should remind ourselves of how we actively resist, invent, and transform all of that into something more.

The poet Rupi Kaur said it best:

the world
gives you
so much pain
and here you are
making gold out of it

– there is nothing purer than that.

It was Marshawn’s story that allowed me to make gold, to reconnect with the essence of my activism, grounded in love, joy and resilience. He provided me with hope when I had none, strength when I had lost it, and love when I needed it most.

Author’s note: As of today, Lawrence University has progressed in the realm of diversity and inclusion by offering diversity trainings to faculty and staff, hiring a Diversity and Inclusion Coordinator, renovating a new space for the Diversity Center, hiring various faculty and staff of color, and implementing a bias incident reporting system.

 


Jaime F. Gonzalez, Jr. is an independent Chicano scholar-activist whose work centers around queer people of color and the ways in which they transform the world around them. He is currently the Assistant Director of the Cassandra Voss Center in De Pere, WI, an innovative gender and identity center whose mission is to foster transformative thinking for a just world. He has also presented at local and regional conferences, including the 2017 Midwest Bisexual, Lesbian, Gay, Transgender and Ally College Conference (MBLGTACC).

Hitler Speaks

Charlottesville, Virginia, August 12, 2017

By Kathi Wolfe

You said
I was a has-been —
my day was done.
You wish!
I’ve been undercover,
before your unseeing
eyes.

I shaved my
moustache, changed
my accent, Tweeted — ordered
lattes at Starbucks. In khakis
and polo shirts, I was the boy
next door. My torches
were kept in the closet,
I only drew swastikas in the dark.

Now I can stop living
a double life. I’ll goose step
in the Easter Parade. Swastikas
will be the new Boy Scout badges —
I’ll model my torch on the next Vogue cover.
Welcome to my comeback tour!

 


Kathi Wolfe is a poet and writer. Her most recent collection, The Uppity Blind Girl Poems, was published in 2015 by BrickHouse Books and won the 2014 Stonewall Chapbook Competition. She is a contributor to the anthologies QDA: A Queer Disability Anthology and Beauty Is a Verb: The New Poetry of Disability. Wolfe was a 2008 Lambda Literary Foundation Emerging Writer Fellow. She is a contributor to The Washington Blade, the acclaimed LGBTQ paper.

Photo credit: Dmitry Dzhus via a Creative Commons license.

 

#MeToo

By R.R. Marsh

 

#MeToo.

It took me several moments to post the words on my Facebook account. I had to think through my past—a place I generally prefer to avoid—and consider events I had ignored for quite some time. Had I been a victim of sexual assault? Or was I fashioning mere slips of male behavior into real offenses?

Sure, I’m a feminist, but I also live in the South. Around here, if you really want to insult a woman, you call her “reactionary.”

I was in tenth grade, on the newspaper staff, and walking around the school selling our latest edition. When I reached the vocational wing, where mostly boys learned automobile repair and woodworking, I timidly knocked on the classroom door and asked if anyone wanted to buy a paper.

One of the boys, I’m not sure who—only that he was big with a deep redneck accent—shouted, “no, but we’d sure like to buy you.”

Now at 5’7” and 85 pounds, I made beanpoles envious, but there I was on display before a dozen boys, all laughing at me—assessing me—thinking of what they might do if they bought me. The teacher, the only other female in the room, ignored the comment but commanded the class to shush. “Boys, boys,” she said. “Quiet down.” Once she regained their attention, I slipped out the door, shaking.

Still, I was a reporter, goddammit, and I couldn’t keep that story secret. By the next issue, I had detailed my experience and spoken out against the sexual harassment occurring in our school. My column fostered a discussion amongst the staff and faculty, who passed new rules for the following year—a tiny feather for my cap.

There’s one thing I didn’t include in that article. You see, when I returned to the newspaper office and, in a fury, recounted what had just happened to me, my editor—a senior, one of the most popular boys in school, privileged, desired and, at the time, dating one of my peers—well, he just chuckled. I would have to get used to it, he said. That was the way of the world.

I knew lots of girls in school who called themselves feminists, who read their Virginia Woolf and would have gladly marched for reproductive rights. But even in their eyes, my editor was a shooting star. It was one thing to talk about those other boys—you know, the kids who come from the wrong side of the tracks (or, in this case, the wrong side of the cow pasture). But speak out against him? Even if I dared, who would listen? And besides, I didn’t want to be that nerdy girl crashing everyone else’s party. My social standing always did fall short.

So, I chose to uncover an ugly truth while hiding an equally ugly secret, congratulating myself on affecting some measure of change, at least on the books. I was convinced those five minutes in the classroom followed by those five minutes with my editor had been worth the fear. The humiliation. The intimidation. The vulnerability. The powerlessness. The loss of a piece of myself.

Unfortunately, instigating a new rule against sexual harassment couldn’t erase the scar on my soul. Those ten minutes taught me to fear men, not just the few random individuals, but the world of men buoyed by its structures and supporters. Sure, I had manipulated my pain into some form of positive action (compromised as it was), but I never took the time to grieve the pain. Instead, I buried each and every one of my feelings, telling myself I was empowered. People (including me) appreciated the champion but didn’t care much for the girl. I don’t remember anyone asking if I was okay. I know I never posed the question.

Those same, dark emotions would come to haunt me in later years, when I stayed much too long in a psychologically abusive relationship and worked under multiple, controlling male bosses. In each episode, I reverted back to that scrawny 10th grader, only in greater degrees of anxiety and inward rot. My mother, and later my husband, would find me on the floor, curled up in agony, panicked as if I was under attack. Neither them nor I understood why the situation at hand was affecting me so. I had always seemed so strong, so able to tackle the hard times. I could turn lemons into lemonade.

Yet deep inside, I kept reliving the same horror, one tragedy building upon another. I was back in that classroom, isolated, without an advocate of my own. My editor kept patronizing me, and I had to keep pretending to like him. Only now, the stakes were higher, and I didn’t have a journalism teacher to ensure my voice made it onto the page.

Sexual assault isn’t about sex. It’s about power. Those boys in that classroom? They had the numbers, not to mention a teacher steeped in a “boys will be boys” philosophy. How did that editor keep himself out of my article? The reverence of his peers, who scapegoated the undesirables while maintaining their own place on the social hierarchy. What about that bad boyfriend, whose family gave him porn as a Christmas gift (right in front of me)? Hey, any red-blooded American male’s whipped if he sticks to only one woman. I was irrational to think otherwise. And those insecure bosses who wanted a “yes woman”—who belittled and threatened and undermined in a “I’m the boss, you’re a … bug” kind of way? Well, they had long-established organizations backing them, not to mention my job in their hands.

Besides, I was only being reactionary.

Sex—or any hint of it—didn’t have to exist. The helplessness feels the same. Today, I look back at that 10th grader and wish someone had validated her experience as life shaping, not merely a blip she should power through. I have to wonder, had that girl gone through all the steps—the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—maybe she would have seen the warning signs, stayed clear of that destructive relationship, chosen different jobs or at least quit before requiring years of therapy and recovery. Did ten minutes set her up for decades of heartache?

Americans love a superhero. Someone who can swoop in and save the day. Change the law. Elect the right president. Make things happen. This really isn’t much different from the “pull oneself up by your bootstraps” ideal. A woman is assaulted. She should talk. She should make a difference. As if the burden of changing the system rests upon her shoulders.

But this push—this pressure—negates her need to grieve. Our need to grieve. As I’m reading all the names of the women (and men) who are posting, #MeToo, I am thinking of their stories. Not just coverage of “the event,” but all the subsequent chapters flavored by trauma that, in the majority of cases, remains unspoken and never processed. Those boys, that editor—they never even touched me, yet I see and feel their paws all over my life, and I am still working toward my freedom. Imagine carrying the memory of rape.

Sad to say, I have other stories—some more terrifying, others I would only ever reveal to my closest confidants—but this tale, this tiny moment in a small town at some insignificant high school during the 1990s, encapsulates so much of what I’m observing today.

Each #MeToo—each person crying out against the Weinsteins and Trumps of the world—these are people in pain, which neither a firing nor an impeachment can assuage. Don’t get me wrong. We should fight for justice. We must demand integrity, especially of those in power. But the #MeToo confessors need something more. Listening ears. Permission to feel. Time to pick up all the pieces and heal.

 


R.R. Marsh is a writer and a mother currently living in Atlanta, Georgia.

Photo credit: Amparo Torres O. via a Creative Commons license.