Amy Porterfield Levy – Writers Resist

The Completely Imaginary Trump/Russia Theory that May or May Not Prove To Be True or False

By Amy Porterfield Levy

1987 – The Art of the Deal: Nukes Edition

Trump decides that Moscow needs a Trump hotel and, like every good realtor, he thinks about how good he would be at solving nuclear proliferation issues.

Trump: I have a great idea because real estate deals are just like nuclear arms treaties. The Soviet Union and I should work together and bomb France.

Soviet Union: We’ve never heard of you. Also, dial it down, freak.

1996 – Trump hearts Moscow

Trump: I heart Moscow so much that I want to put an exact copy of Trump Tower there. Also, I am broke.

Russians: *sigh* Fine. We heart you too, weirdo. Why don’t we buy a bunch of condos from you so you won’t be so broke?

2007 – Trump Vodka

Trump: I love Russia so much that I made gold Vodka.

Russia: You are gross. Here is some more money though.

2008 – Donald Trump, Jr. visits Moscow a bunch

Junior: Dad has piles of money pouring in from Russia so maybe he will finally remember which son I am.

Also in 2008 – Russia Rolls on into Georgia (the country)

Georgia: Maybe we should, like, join NATO or the EU?

Russia: Nope.

American People: *yawn*

Press: Something, something. … Here are pictures of tanks.

American People: Cool tanks, bro. Hey, wonder if taking out a home equity loan to buy a Mercedes was a bad move?

2013 – Trump’s Miss Universe Pageant Goes to Moscow

Trump: Oligarchs are everywhere! I love oligarchs! Hey, what does oligarch mean?

Prostitute: It’s where a guy is part of a little group that has all the money and all of the political power in a country

Trump: *jumps up and sings* I wanna be an oligarch!

Prostitute: *yawns* Smile for the camera, dipshit.

That’s an overview of Trump’s little case of Russophilia. It could be perfectly innocent; people do get crushes on countries. He could be like one of those women who drink tea instead of coffee because they’ve read too much Jane Austen.

As for Russia, we all know the Soviet Union collapsed and we sort of thought we were friends and everything was fine. Unfortunately, some things went down in Russia while we were busy worrying about sleeper cells and Adam Lambert. It got a little dictatorish and Putin didn’t appreciate having NATO nearby or that whole European Union thing. He was also afraid Hillary Clinton might push democracy down everyone’s throats, which would be super inconvenient.

2014 – Russia invades Ukraine

Russia: *whistles and looks around* Rolling on into Georgia was pretty cool so we’re just gonna go ahead and take Crimea, okay-thanks-bye!

American People: *yawn*

Press: Something, something. …Putin, natural gas, pipelines.

American Government and the EU: *handwringing* How about some sanctions?

Putin: Your dumb sanctions are fucking with my gazillion-dollar deal with Exxon. That is a problem.

Exxon: Yeah, sanctions are harshing our gazillion-dollar buzz about drilling the shit out of the Black Sea.

American People: Ice Bucket Challenge!

Putin’s New To-Do List

Break up NATO
Break up the EU
Fuck with the Americans
Make a gazillion dollars
Make the ol’ empire big again

July 2015 – Putin meets with top aides (the ones he hasn’t poisoned yet)

Putin: Where are we on breaking up NATO and the EU?

Aides: Just propping up the anti-globalization whiners. The usual.

Putin: Boring. How’s our ‘Fucking with the Americans’ thing going?

Aides: Terrific! Donald Trump just said he’s going to run for president.

Putin: Who?

Aides: That fat American we filmed doing gross stuff with hookers.

Putin: Yeah, that narrows it down. …

Aides: You know, the broke one with the weird hair. Says you’re buddies.

Putin: Oh, him. What a douchebag.

Aides: He’s the douchiest.

Putin: Welp. I’ve got a gazillion dollars on the line and an empire to build so go make life suck for Hillary.

This turned out to be a pretty easy project. Sean Hannity and the rest of White Power radio had become extra-deranged after years of Obama so they happily worked alongside the Macedonian trolls and Internet bots on Facebook and Twitter to amplify the irrational Hillary hate that they’d been fomenting for over two decades.

Pop Quiz: Why do you hate Hillary Clinton

Americans: We don’t. Most of us voted for her.

Trump Voters: Because … pant suits? Emails? WE DON’T KNOW WHY SHUT UP.

Stirring up animosity toward Hillary Clinton and taking advantage of Trump’s natural tendency to be an authoritarian asshole didn’t take much effort and it was also probably a breeze to gain access to the Trump inner circle in order to plant pro-Russian sentiments. After all, who doesn’t have associates who work for Russian mobsters and moonlight as FBI informants? Trump buildings are infested with that kind of sleaze. Just kidding. This is a parody.

July 2016 – Putin meets with top aides (the ones who are still alive)

Aides: Sir, Republicans actually nominated that idiot. Now what?

Putin: *mouth twitches*

Aides: *scared* Did your face muscles move?

Putin: That was me laughing. Go shoot yourself in the back of the head, but call Assange and Kislyak first.

The Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, was evidently skulking around Trump world, probably working some silver-tongued magic on these guys. He’s probably one of those people who gets you to confide in him because he makes you feel like you’re his best friend and possibly the most interesting person he’s ever met. He’s like your sweet, drunk Grandpa except that sweet, drunk Grandpa is a badass motherfucking spy. Trump and his friends probably didn’t even notice they were getting involved in high crimes and whatnot. They’re like those pot smokers who don’t notice they’ve become drug dealers.

Pot Smoker: Hi dude. Just here to buy my weekly dime bag.

Dealer: Hey, man. Buy a little more and I’ll knock down the price.

Pot Smoker: I’ll sell the extra pot to my buddies and that will cover the cost of my weed habit!

Dealer: You are a genius.

Years later…

Pot Smoker: Man, I am very lucky to have lots of buddies and extra cash.

Cops: You are under arrest for possession with intent to sell.

Pot Smoker: *genuine shock* I am not a dealer! I just have hundreds of friends and nice electronics. *cries*

That is Trump’s little gang of genocidal knuckleheads. They probably didn’t mean to collude with a hostile foreign country—it was all so friendly and well-meaning and it made complete sense at the time. Plus, Drunk Grandpa is their bff and he would never dick them over.

Kislyak: You are an American hero. You are also quite handsome. I bet you will beat ISIS and be a world hero one day.

Mike Flynn: *teary eyed* Brown people scare me. Can I have a hug?

Kislyak: *snuggles* I love you. Will you do me a teensy favor as my best friend and suggest chilling out on the sanctions a bit? That would be amazeballs!

(By the way, Drunk Grandpa is darling but he snaps into badass spy mode when he’s dealing with clowns like Carter Page and Roger Stone.)

Kislyak: Hey, Ferret Faces. I will pull out your fingernails if these sanctions aren’t lifted.

Page and Stone: *whining* Why does everyone want to pull out our fingernails?

Kislyak: Shut up and deliver these messages, Ferrets.

While wiretaps, moles, and kompromat would make a great movie, it’s probably more boring than that. Trump may have genuinely thought he was practicing “The Art of the Deal: Sanctions Edition.” A guy with no moral compass, a huge ego, and a complete lack of intellectual curiosity can be easily manipulated by charming, Drunk Grandpas.

Kislyak: You are a tremendously great man who should rule the world. I’m going to stroke your ego like a high-budget porn fluffer.

Trump: I love you. We are best friends.

Kislyak: Totally. Lift those sanctions, you brilliant hunk of smoking hot man meat. I’m going to help you beat mean ol’ Hillary and rule the world.

Trump: I can’t wait to lift sanctions and rule the world. Will you curl up on the couch with me and watch cable news?

Things are unraveling now and these guys are getting stressed and acting stupid so we may see how this ends soon. Putin and Trump could be wallowing around in gold bars and billion dollar bills while Europe is screwed and the United States looks the same but stands for something our kids will be ashamed of one day. This could also end with us sitting on a pile of radioactive dust and eating our dogs, while Paul Ryan crawls through the ruins, bleating about tax cuts.

Or maybe most of us will get our happy ending and live long enough to see handsome FBI agents in windbreakers, gently guiding that fuzzy yellow head into the back of a black Crown Vic where he’ll be whisked out of our lives forever into that far-off place where convicted, humiliated ex-Presidents are stashed. The Ferrets will cut deals and live in constant fear of stairs and tea. As for the bloated, old racists who tried to destroy this country, that’s too fun to think about so we’ll save them for another completely imaginary theory that may or may not prove to be true or false.

Previously published on Huffington Post.

Amy Porterfield Levy is a Florida-based freelance writer and science advocate. She is a contributor to Huffington Post, The Science Post, American Council on Science and Health, and The Genetic Literacy Project.

The Unofficial Recap of Trump’s Perfectly Normal Post-Election Press Conference

By Amy Porterfield Levy

This will be the first in a new series called “The Unofficial Recaps of Trump Pressers.” If Trump is impeached soon, it will be a very short series. It will also be short if your recapper is murdered by angry men dressed as Pepe the Frog.

So, here it goes. …

Scene 1: An Atrium Next to a Gucci Store

White guys in suits carry out piles of manila file folders and stack them on a table next to a podium that’s been placed in front of 10 American flags because having lots of flags means you have a huge … president.

Guy in blue suit: I’m sort of done here, but I’m going to keep stacking because reporters are trying to peek.

Guy in shirtsleeves: Let’s mess them up a little. They represent Hard Work.

Guy in blue suit: These reporters really want to look at them.

Guy in shirtsleeves: It’s just blank paper inside folders. Get this scary looking guy to guard the table. Also, keep looking busy.

Scary guy: I will scowl and look big so reporters won’t look at all of this blank paper inside of these blank file folders.

Random reporter: I am very excited about these file folders. Maybe these are … THE TAX RETURNS!

Universe: LOLOLOLOL.

Random reporter: Kellyanne Conway said that this press conference is so popular they had to turn away reporters! She always says true things.

Hired extras: *Applaud.*

Reporters: *Look around.* Who is clapping?

Kellyanne Conway: Those are totally not hired extras brought in to make Trump feel popular.

Reporters: That is a perfectly normal thing to do at a press conference.

Scene 2: Chatty Anchors Chat

Chatty anchors chat about how this is the first press conference since Donald made that hilarious joke where he asked Russia to hack the Clinton campaign. What’s so funny is that Russia did!

Then chatty anchors chat about the intelligence dossier released by Buzzfeed.

Anchor 1: I really want to talk about the intelligence dossier so I’m going to say the word ‘unsubstantiated’ 100 times in order to cover my ass.

Anchor 2: Yes. Let’s do back flips while spelling out the word “unsubstantiated” in flaming letters.

Anchor 1: It’s killing me not to talk about pee.

Anchor 2: Same. *Does backbend and sings ‘unsubstantiated’ a capella.*

Scene 3: Power Couple Sighting!

Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner slither into the room.

Steve Bannon: I am a genetically superior white man. This constant state of flop sweat is intentional.

Jared Kushner: You are very sexy with your manly flop sweat. Also, I am going to work for free and make zero dollars because I love my country.

Bannon and Kushner: LOLOLOLOL. *Make out*

Scene 4: Grand Entrance of Future First Family Except for Melania and those Other Kids

Reporter 1: *Whispers.* Where’s Melania?

Reporter 2: Hookers peed on her husband in a totally unsubstantiated way. Leave her alone.

Donald, Sr, wearing his signature red tie and navy coat, looks angry but determined with his fresh blowout and tanning bed goggle mask. The coat is very billowy—probably to hide Steve Bannon’s emergency chicken wings.

Ivanka is there with her brothers, Eric and Donald, Jr. No one, including your recapper, knows which brother is which.

Ivanka: I am absolutely not plotting to poison these three men. At all.

Scene 5: Sean Spicer!

Spicer, rocking the Giuliani haircut, tiptoes to reach the podium and it’s cute, like he’s a little spelling bee finalist. Does anyone call him Scooter? They should. He whines for a bit about mainstream media and fake news, which are squares in Alt-Right Bingo and then he conflates the substantiated CNN story with the Buzzfeed document dump.

Scooter: Freedom of the Press is important but …

Constitution: There’s no “but.”

Scooter says he’s going to introduce a woman whose law firm is responsible for the stacks of file folders with the blank paper. A quick Google search reveals that the firm is so awesome that its Moscow branch won Law Firm of the Year. Yay!

Then Scooter goes on a little tear that should be the signal to journalists that it’s okay to report on the unsubstantiated dossier now.

American People: Maybe check into more of the thing that rhymes with Honey Laundering rather than the one that rhymes with Golden Towers.

Scooter: *Sings.* Fake news and witch hunts, la la la. Don’t you feel better when I sound just like Russia Today?

American People: Not really.

Scooter then introduces the guy next to him. Mike Pence! Scooter glares at the hired extras.

Hired Extras: Shit! Sorry we zoned out while you were talking. Yay!

Scene 6: Mike Pence!

Pence, clad in a perfect suit and purple tie with his white Lego guy hair, looks like he came out of the Romney President Factory.

American People: He does not seem insane or erratic; can we have him instead?

Mike Pence: *Wets lips.* Come sit on my lap and let me tell you about fake news.

American People: *Shudder.* Nah, we’re good.

Close-up shot on Donald, Sr. Whoa. He looks nervous. He stares directly into the pool camera and purses his little lips. It’s chilling.

Pence: Freedom of the Press is important but …

Constitution: Seriously, guys, there’s no “but.”

Scene 7: DJT Shrek-Walks to Podium

Hired extras: *Shriek and clap.*

Reporters: This is not at all like a banana republic.

DJT: *Makes weird facial movements.* We won the election because I got free media coverage every day but then I asked Russia to hack Hillary and everyone got all huffy about that so I had to pout about it for months. Also, my attorney, Michael Cohen, told me to shut the fuck up. Hi Mike!

He goes on and on for hours about fake news and then he causally threatens the intelligence community and freedom of the press.

DJT: I have great respect for news and freedom of the press but …

Constitution: *Clenches fist.* Say “but” one more time, you orange motherfu …

Then he tells the news organizations that didn’t release the unsubstantiated treason dossier that they were “so incredibly professional that I’ve just gone up a notch as to what I think of you, okay?”

Hired extras: *Cheer.*

Reporters: *Whispering.* This is becoming a teensy bit like that time we were in Turkey.

DJT: *Face gymnastics.* I am going to brag about car companies and take credit for things I didn’t do for a minute. Big, big factory. Tremendous.

Hang on. Is this the way he always pronounces words? “We are going to make beeyons of dollars on many, many inDUSTries, especially on aeroplanes.” Maybe he’s just nervous about that whole unsubstantiated report about pee and treason. [Hi, Mike Cohen! Notice the emphasis on the unsubstantiated part?]

DJT: My inauguration is going to have great talent. Tremendous. I don’t care that all of the people with talent hate me.

Reporters: We should write infinity words about how Trump won because people with talent are mean to him. That will make the people who hate us start to love us.

People Who Hate Reporters: LOLOLOLOLOL.

DJT: My inauguration will be so elegant. I am known for elegance. Much gold. Much shiny. *Drools.*

Scene 8: Question time!

Reporter: Did the heads of the intelligence agencies tell you about the gross, unsubstantiated stuff you unsubstantiatedly might have done?

DJT: That is gross fake news by sick, sick people and it never should have entered paper because that is a thing people say.

Reporter: Will you finally admit that Vlad ordered the hacking?

DJT: Eh. I think Russia did it, but China, China, China. Nobody cared about the Yahoo hack. Why is this a big deal? Much hacking. Much hacking. Have I mentioned how much I respect and love Putin? Isn’t that reassuring that I respect and love Putin?

American People: Not that reassured.

DJT: *Slips into dissociative state.* If Putin likes Donald Trump, I consider that an asset, not a liability.

Reporters: *Panicked cartwheels.* Third person, third person, he’s talking about himself in the third person.

Putin: *Bangs head on desk.* Did this dumbass really just say “asset”?

And then … he says it again! Repeats the asset line.

American People: We are simultaneously impressed and terrified by this gang.

Trump Gang: Can we make it any clearer that we do not give a shit how terrified you are?

DJT: Waves little pointer finger around before daintily selecting the next lucky reporter.

Reporter: So, did you do gross stuff with Russian hookers or not?

American People: He went there! Good for him.

DJT: No, but only because I know about the tiny cameras in hotel rooms because I have hotel rooms.

American People: Did he just tell us that he films his hotel guests?

Reporter: About those tax returns …

DJT: LOLOLOLOL. *Munches Doritos.* I’m gonna brag for hours now about my giant business and how we’re going to pretend that my sons over there, What’sHisFace and What’sHisHead, are in charge.

Hey, good news. I’m not going worry about any of those conflicts of interest laws so neither should you. I’m a good guy, though, so I brought an attorney who owns a lot of empty file folders. Talk to Sheri Dillon for a minute while I finish my snack.

Scene 9: Sheri Dillon Says Stuff, Trump and Reporters Check Twitter

Dillon: Rockefeller had a bunch of dough and nobody hassled him about it.

Old Newspapers: Rockefeller Releases Tax Returns Because Nobody Would Stop Hassling Him.

Dillon: I will now bore you with several pretend financial and legal terms. Also, please have your cameras zoom in on these stacks of fake documents because they represent the Hard Work we put into making it look like Trump is not creating a kleptocracy.

Bannon and Kushner: LOLOLOLOL. Best kleptocracy evah! *Tickle fight.*

Hired Extras: *Jazz hands.* Woot!

Scene 10: DJT Burps and Shuffles Back to the Podium

Trump takes a few softballs from friendly outlets, including that hilarious Fox News knockoff, One America News Network, that shows footage of tanks all day long and talks about how gross and dangerous America is. It’s very patriotic. Then a real reporter sneaks in a question, which was probably a mistake.

Real Reporter: *Snickers.* Can I ask a question about your dumb border fence?

DJT: *Turns red and yells.* IT IS NOT A FENCE! Blearghhhh!

Breitbart Reporter: Hey Boss, what reforms do you suggest for stifling the annoying press?

Constitution: *Stands up and pulls gun out of 2nd amendment.*

DJT: Have I mentioned my tremendous moral compass?

Universe: LOLOLOLOLOL.

Hired Extras: *Toss red hats in the air.* MAGA!

American People: Holy Hell, what have we done?

The End

That’s a wrap until the next Perfectly Normal Presser from our Perfectly Normal President.