First 100 Days: Two Trump Heads Are Better Than One?
By Marleen S. Barr
Professor Sondra Lear, a feminist science fiction scholar who teaches at the Metropolitan University of New York, could not ignore the persistent pain in her molar. Thus it came to pass that she found herself sitting in an oral surgeon’s chair about to have her tooth extracted.
“Do you want me to put growth material in your gum, to facilitate implant insertion?” asked Dr. Doogie Horowitz.
Sondra, who was scared as hell that she was about to be decapitated, nodded her head affirmatively.
When she returned for her post-operative check-up, she asked for details about what had been inserted in her mouth.
“Bone,” Dr. Horowitz said.
“What kind of bone?”
“Bone from a cadaver.”
“What if the cadaver wasn’t Jewish? I might have goyische bone cells reproducing in my jaw.”
Sondra went home and fell asleep.
Upon awakening, she felt a weird sensation on her shoulder. She looked into a mirror and saw a second head attached to her body. The head did not look like a normal head. It had a small pursed mouth, steely eyes framed by white makeup, and a very strange orange haircut. Yes, Trump’s talking head was pervasive in the all-Trump-all-the-time media circus. But having Trump’s head attached to her body right next to her own head was the limit. Sondra immediately phoned the surgeon.
“I have an emergency. The cells grew into Trump’s head, not new jaw bone.”
“Oops,” said Dr. Horowitz. “The cells I used came from Trump’s deceased parents who were buried locally in New Hyde Park. Instead of simply generating new jaw bone cells, these cells grew into a completely formed Trump head.”
“Will I gain weight? Trump is not thin and he eats—I can barely say it—fried taco shells. And if he has access to my hands does that mean that he can grope my pussy?”
“The Trump head has no control over your body.”
“How do I get my normal Trump headless body back?”
“I need some time to research this unprecedented question.”
Sondra decided to get a heads up on the situation by seeking an audience with Trump himself in Trump Tower. She put on a burka to disguise the Trump head. Politically correct New Yorkers, loathe to stare at a burka-clad woman, would not notice the covered shoulder protrusion.
Sondra entered Trump Tower and asked to speak to Trump. Fearing that a woman wearing a burka had to be a terrorist, Secret Service agents swarmed around her. Frantically frisking her in search of a gun or a bomb, they instead closely encountered Trump’s head.
“I’m not a terrorist,” Sondra insisted. “I obviously have a huge problem. Trump has a swelled head. Maybe he has a suggestion.”
The agents escorted Sondra to Trump’s apartment. He became enraged when he saw his head attached to Sondra.
“Get me a guillotine,” screamed Trump. “Two Trump heads are absolutely not better than one.”
“Sir, presidents are not allowed to behead people,” said a Secret Service agent.
“Trump began to tweet: “Dr. Sondra Lear doesn’t know how to use my head. Not.” He then continued to shout. “I’ll use the nuclear codes to explode the hell out of the imposter Trump head.”
“Sir,” implored the agent. “It is not advisable to deploy nuclear weapons simply because the second Trump head hurts your ego.”
“Can’t we blame the Mexicans? Initiate a travel ban to prevent any other Trump head from entering the country.”
Trump’s real head—not his alternative head—suddenly exploded. Flying cranium shards became projectiles, which hit the Trump head attached to Sondra and severed it.
Dr. Horowitz closed the hole in Sondra’s shoulder. She recovered completely and survived four years of President Pence. Although she did not agree with Pence, she was grateful that he was not sick in his head.
Marleen S. Barr is known for her pioneering work in feminist science fiction and she teaches English at the City University of New York. She has won the Science Fiction Research Association Pilgrim Award for lifetime achievement in science fiction criticism. Barr is the author of Alien to Femininity: Speculative Fiction and Feminist Theory, Lost in Space: Probing Feminist Science Fiction and Beyond, Feminist Fabulation: Space/Postmodern Fiction, and Genre Fission: A New Discourse Practice for Cultural Studies. Barr has edited many anthologies and co-edited the science fiction issue of PMLA. She is the author of the novels Oy Pioneer! and Oy Feminist Planets: A Fake Memoir.
Marleen also has a piece in a new anthology, Alternative Truths, just released by B Cubed Press. “Alternative Truths is a look at the post-election America that is, or will be, or could be.” Read more about it here.